Phillips Mill Spring Show Audition Information
Show dates: May 8,9,14,15,16
Rehearsals: March and April – Thursdays 7-9. Sundays – late afternoon or early evening.
Evenings the week of May 3rd, May 12th and/or 13th.
Sunday, February 23 – 5:00 until 7:00 p.m.
Thursday, February 27 – 7:00 until 9:00 p.m.
If you are interested in being in the play, but cannot attend either of these auditions, contact Valerie Eastburn at email@example.com.
You can audition for an acting part, a singing part or both.
Singers: Prepare a 1 to 2 minute song of your choosing to be sung acapella or with music from your phone.
Actors: Be prepared to read from one or all of the following scenes.
Actor/Singers: You must do both.
Acting Audition Materials
MARGARET: Don’t leave mad.
BILL: Don’t leave mad? You’ve been mad at me for forty years!
MARGARET: I know.
BILL: If I hadn’t left mad, I wouldn’t have been able to leave the house. Was there ever a day that one of us didn’t leave mad?
MARGARET: A few but I’m afraid if you leave now, you’ll get in a horrific accident and die and I won’t be able to live with it because our last words were so hateful.
BILL: It would be a relief.
MARGARET: Well, if you die first, you will get the last word. I know that means a lot to you. The one who dies first wins. Them’s the rules.
BILL: Really? Did you write the manual?
MARGARET: No, but I’ve read it enough times. No matter how big a son of a bitch you were in life, once you’re dead, you’re talked about like you were some hero. Or not talked about at all. God knows we’ve been to enough funerals.
BILL: …You’re sick, you know that?
MARGARET: So you keep telling me.
BILL: I wish we had the money for a psychiatrist to tell you how nuts you are!
MARGARET: Well come sit down and we’ll go through the Yellow Pages and look for “Shrinks Qualified To Certify Wives Insane.” If he exists, he must be making a fortune.
BILL: There are no Yellow Pages anymore, old lady.
MARGARET: I know. I was being facetious.
BILL: There you go with the words again. Not everybody went to college! Some people have something better than a college education. It’s called “street smarts.”
MARGARET: “Street smarts.” Hmmm…does that mean when you come to a street, you’re smart enough to look both ways so you don’t get flattened by a truck?
BILL: No, Miss Sarcastic. It means for all your degrees you don’t know squat!
MARGARET: And what do you know, Professor, how to build bird houses?
BILL: You’re just like your mother—mean!
MARGARET: Is it mean to tell the truth? Thirty years ago, you had forty men on your payroll, and you made sure everybody knew it. Now you go down to our crumbling basement to build bird houses that you can’t even give away.
BILL: You want truth, Miss Paperback Writer? How ‘bout this? You must have asked me fifty times when the kids were growing up if I would be willing to take care of them when your book was published and you went out on your big book tour. Only you never went out on a book tour and you never wrote anything besides, “To Whom It May Concern, Please excuse Bill, Jr. He has a dentist appointment!
MARGARET: …you know the fascinating thing about bird houses… Once they’re built, you never know what goes on inside…I mean maybe you see a bird fly in, but once they’re in, what are they doing in there? And out of the millions of birds and the millions of birdhouses, what draws those particular birds to each other and to that particular birdhouse?
BILL: If you’re that curious, just Google it, Miss Genius.
MARGARET: You have no soul!
BILL: And you have no brains!
MARGARET: Oh, God, how many times are we going to go round and round like this?
BILL: Until sweet death, that’s how long.
DANA- I need a haircut.
PHILLIP- So, get one.
DANA- I can never find a good salon.
PHILLIP – That’s ridiculous. You’re a mature professional woman and you still can’t find someone. Come on.
DANA – It’s hard. You need to become a celebrity, so I can hire a stylist to the stars.
PHILLIP- I’m working on it.
DANA- I hate my hair. I never know what to do with it. I should just shave it off. Two out of my last three haircuts have been awful.
PHILLIP- No. Come on. You looked good with that Courtney Cox style.
DANA- Yeah, that was the one.
PHILLIP- I got an idea. Phillip exits and comes back quickly with a pencil and a tape measure.
DANA- What the hell you doing?
PHILLIP- I’m gonna’ measure your face.
DANA- What for?
PHILLIP- I read about it.
DANA- You read?
.PHILLIP- Yes. I read. I read autobiographies.
DANA- So what did you read?
PHILLIP- I just finished Jenna Fischer’s book. You bought it for me.
DANA- No. What did you read about measuring a face?
PHILLIP- Well if one will look good with short, trendy, hair.
PHILLIP-Let’s just see. Phillip puts the pencil under her chin.
PHILLIP- Hold this.
DANA- Is this a joke?
PHILLIP- No. Stay still. Phillip measures from the bottom of her ear to the pencil.
DANA- What’s it supposed to be?
PHILLIP- Two and a quarter inches.
DANA- What’s it say?
PHILLIP- Holy shit! Four inches.
DANA- See! Dana tosses the pencil out of anger.
DANA – You always want me to get these hairstyles that don’t look good on me.
PHILLIP- Well, now we have proof. What are you gonna’ do?
DANA- Not get one.
PHILLIP- Stop. Want me to do it?
PHILLIP- I’ve cut girls hair before.
DANA- No way.
PHILLIP- Yup, and I even used clippers.
DANA- Who? Allison?
PHILLIP – Yes. Come on. Do you really think I’d make you look worse than before?
DANA- Forget it.
PHILLIP- Come on.
DANA- I just want soft layers.
PHILLIP- You should color it cool like Candance Cameron Bure in that Christmas movie.
DANA- Which one?
DANA- I do like all her hair styles.
PHILLIP- Me too! Or put a pink streak in it.
DANA- No color stays in my hair though.
DANA- No color stays in my hair.
PHILLIP- You’ve tried?
PHILLIP- Your hair is an enigma.
DANA- No shit.
ETHAN- Oh my god, thank god you are here. This place is a disaster.
TESSA – Stop it Ethan, you’ve been here 5 minutes. (Emily walks in and hands Ethan his water bottle).
EMILY- Here you go. Hi! You must be Tessa, so nice to meet you. Let’s all sit and chat for a few minutes. I am excited to hear about your vision for your wedding.
TESSA- Thank you. We are so excited.
EMILY- First things first, do you have a date?
TESSA- Yes, we want to get married on June 30th, this year.
EMILY- And a venue? Have you booked one?
ETHAN- I’m gonna’ say ‘no’ because I don’t know what ‘venue’ means.
EMILY- It means a place to have the wedding.
TESSA- Well, that is not completely true.
ETHAN – Yes it is, we are getting married outside.
TESSA- Outside is a place Ethan.
EMILY- Beautiful! A June bride and and outdoor wedding.
ETHAN- See I told you it was too mainstream.
TESSA – It is not mainstream just because it is June.
ETHAN – No, no, it’s fine, you want to be a June bride. I mean frock coats for the groomsmen will be out for a summer wedding. But whatever.
EMILY- I am sure it will be lovely. I know you said outside, but where?
TESSA- At home
EMILY- Do you have a big yard?
ETHAN- In the lot.
EMILY- The lot?
ETHAN- Yeah, the lot.
EMILY- I’m sorry, should I know that location? The lot?
TESSA- You see, we live in an apartment complex.
ETHAN -Yeah, and there’s a big parking lot next to our building. Such a big open space. We can set up tents and lights, it will be rad.
EMILY- Taking a deep breath An actual parking lot. Like black top with white stripes for parking? That kind of lot?
TESSA -See Ethan! I told you it was not a good idea.
ETHAN- Looking like he is going to leave.
EMILY- No, no, wait. I didn’t mean to imply there was anything wrong with that. I can work with that for sure.
EMILY Of course, I am here to make your vision a reality. What else were you thinking?
TESSA -We really like very classic stuff. Traditional. Right E?
ETHAN- Yeah, I am really into a 90s vibe.
EMILY- (brightens)Oh! Me too.
ETHAN- Really? I wouldn’t have pegged you for a 90s girl.
EMILY- Are you kidding? Look at my office, the colors and design reminds me so much of my Madonna days. What is your dress like? Are you going with puffy sleeves? Headband?
ETHAN- Uh, no.
EMILY- Shoulder pads?
ETHAN- Tessa! We are out of here.
EMILY- No! Wait, what did I say?
TESSA- No, it’s just that
ETHAN – This is our wedding. Not your lame 1990s themed nightmare.
EMILY- Oh geez, no. I am here for you. I am sorry if I overstepped. I just got excited.
TESSA- (almost whispering) 1890s
EMILY- Did you say the 1890s?
ETHAN- (to Tessa) See Tess. What did I tell you?
EMILY- Ah, no. I think that is incredibly cool.